Everytime I go anywhere in Baltimore these days I wonder: Is this the last time I will see this, do this, wonder about that? In honor of the end times (relatively speaking), a list of conversations and overheards gathered in the last year:

Hapless teenage guy on cell phone outside my apartment:

What I want to know is, why your girlfriend stole all my mother’s make-up! I gotta get that shit back! No, I didn’t threaten her with a gun, I ain’t even GOT a gun. Jealous? Jealous of what, she sleeps with anybody, there’s nothing to be jealous — oh, hello, Miss Annie. I’m trying to get my mother’s makeup back. And the forty dollars owed me, I almost got jumped over it– Miss Annie. Miss Annie. Miss Annie! Listen! Well tell your DAUGHTER to get out of the drug life too, all she does is eat oxies!

Mechanic hanging out in front of the shop, as I walked by:

Mechanic: What do you think of the name Edwin?

Me: Uh. It’s a fine name!

Mechanic to his fellow mechanics: SEE! I told you!

Guy getting on morning bus, shirt unbuttoned to the navel, gold crosses dangling, arms spread wide:

“Good morning, everyone! It is a blessed, blessed day!”

Everyone on the bus, nodding and grinning: Good morning!

Lady clerk at the Rite Aid counter, lodging her final counterpoint in our impromptu argument on whether the world is mostly good or mostly evil:

You get the wrong idea from T.V.!

Dr. G, to his newly arrived parents:

Welcome to Baltimore, also known as Charm City!

As he finishes the sentence, a guy jaywalks against the light, causing three lanes of cars to slam on their brakes. He treats us all to a flamboyant double flip-off, the two middle fingers held high and waved around in all directions lest anyone should miss them.

Dr G again:

What kind of world is it when we make our senior citizens stand on the street corner with signs that say HOT AND READY?

spoken upon seeing an old guy standing out in the winter weather with a Little Caesar’s Pizza placard.

Young Mohawk-and-chains guy, explaining to me why he is asking directions to his wife’s workplace, gesturing at his silent cell phone:

I just found out she cheated on me! Yeah it does suck. She lies and lies! We’ve only been married two months and this is the third time!

Technician taking my blood on mother’s day:

Are you a mother? No? I am. Yes, I have one child. Well, two actually. The girl is six and the other one is two months along. Thank you! I haven’t told anybody yet. I’m getting married next week and I want it to be a surprise. Yes, I’m excited too.