There are three strikes against me: 1.  I recently moved to a new state. 2.  I am unemployed and therefore have more “free time.” 3. I hold the reigning title of  “Household Member Who is Most Badass when on the Phone with Strangers.”  Thus, when a pile of billing, address, and insurance errors from two states and five companies accrues, c’est moi who gets to rack up the cell phone minutes.  I don’t mind really. Dr. G gamely volunteers from time to time, but then I stand in his line of sight and pantomime what he should be saying. He shuts the door on me when I start to enact hammering stakes into vampire hearts or to sob over an imaginary open grave, rending my clothes.  It’s best for everyone, and my wardrobe, if I just do it myself and leave the vampires out of it.

None of this should really be so difficult.  The week before we moved, we called all the utilities and services in our old location to give a cancellation date and a forwarding address.  Then we called all the utilities and services in our new place and gave a start date and our new address.  If I had followed my own rules at the time it probably would have worked out better and this little five-company pile would not exist.  But after 2.5 hours on “the horn” as some people call it, definite progress has been made.  I won’t announce resolution, of course, until I see everything in writing, but it was a good morning’s work all in all.
1. Always call during weekday business hours.  These are the hours that the most competent people work.  Call centers don’t usually reward people with decent pay so they reward the best folks with the cushiest schedules. These are also the hours when supervisors and managers work.

2. Def-con 1-3.  Add tactical levels to your game. I start with “pleasant but puzzled.”  Then I go to “woe is me.” It is only fair for the people to know what effect the error is going to have on my life.  “Please!  I will have to sell my pet monkey if this charge is not reversed! Mon Chi-Chi is my protector and only friend!”  Def-Con 3 is full on Teacher Voice. It begins with firmly asking questions such as, “What can you do right now, during this call, to resolve the situation? Please suggest a few options.”  I use the same tone as I do when telling children:  “You have a choice.  Would you rather sit silently facing the wall for two hours, or spend the afternoon picking fleas and lice off of the dog?”
3. Never allow anyone to make changes to your account or information until you have both agreed on a plan of action.  If you hear typing, ask them to stop. They are probably overwriting the record of your previous interaction, or adding weird things. “I do not want creamsicles delivered to my door, with the first month free.  Do not add that service to my bill.”

4.  On the other hand, insist that they take notes.  “Please make a record of this call.  Include the time, date and purpose of call.  Include both of our names.”  Once someone told me there was nowhere to record such information.  “How about the notes section?” I suggested.  “Oh, that’s for supervisors.” “I guess I’d better talk to a supervisor, then.”

5. Take names, numbers, and notes.  I try to use a really swift pen so I can write with a proud, fiery flourish.  I get confirmation numbers and have people verify, at least twice, everything that has been decided.  Right now I only have a black pen but I feel most effective with magenta or maroon.   I also save my itemized cell phone bills so I can prove that I called.

6.  Refuse to get off the phone until the problem is resolved.   It is unfortunate that you have to take up people’s time to repair the mistakes others have made, but that is, in fact, what they are paid to do.  Today I made it up to a third-level supervisor with this strategy, my highest reach into the echelons yet! I’m more used to fake transfers, aka hang-ups, in which case I call back and start over.Never fall for the “pay it now, then you can fix it later” trick. Once they actually have ill-gotten your money it is very hard to well-get it back.
7.  De-escalate for each new person.  When you get transferred, go back to Def-con 1.  Supervisors appreciate this because most people are enflamed with rage by the time they reach a supervisor. It’s not directly the supervisor’s fault that his or her employee couldn’t find the “Notes” section or suffers from a total lack of problem-solving imagination.

8.  Ask for a timeline and a direct number.  Once a resolution has been reached, repeat it back. Have the other person repeat it back to you.  “You have agreed to update my address and credit my account a total of x dollars.  I have agreed to stop my copious weeping and to send you an envelope of downy feathers for your office quilting project. When will I see the corrected account statement?  And may I get your direct line, so I can call you back if there’s a problem?”

9.  Thank the person for their time and helpfulness, and wish them a delicious and nutritious lunch.