Step 1: Get pregnant.

Step 2: Tell others.

That’s it. You don’t have to be kind, or a good listener, or have interesting thoughts and experiences, or be funny, or pull your weight in the relationship. In fact, by following this 2-step plan I’ve discovered that I can talk about myself and my various bodily functions at length, barely stopping to take a breath, and not only will I not lose my audience, I will get follow-up questions. And gifts! And offers of various kinds of durable goods and household help! I’ve never been this popular in my life. (In fact, I have been known to announce to others, in certain situations, that “it’s not a popularity contest,” the famous fall-back line of the less popular.)

I am most popular with women who have already been pregnant, and at my age and station, that happens to be most of the women that I know. So maybe this 2-step plan works best for women a little beyond their prime procreating years. As one friend said, it’s sort of like joining a sorority. Not that I’d know for sure, having never actually joined one.

Typical conversation:

ME: I heard about your amazing achievement/stunning loss/annoying problem. Tell me more!

WOMAN FRIEND: Oh, that’s not interesting. Let’s hear about YOU. How tight are the waistbands of your pants? I want ALL the details!

So thanks, y’all for welcoming me to the Sisterhood of Babymakers.

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